Would you believe you can still eat dessert every day and still lose weight? Try this cookbook.
Dr. Justin Lincoln, Clinical Psychologist.
1011 N. Weber Street
Colorado Springs, CO 80903
719-578-9888
Paul Gross, LPC
Dara Hoffman-Fox
Dan Johnson
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/dan-e-johnson-colorado-springs-co/198539
Stevi Stephens-Martin
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/stevi-l-stephens-martin-colorado-springs-co/477017
Louis Hoffman
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/louis-hoffman-colorado-springs-co/261056
Michael Moats
https://drmichaelmoats.com/services/
Katie McGuire
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/katherine-m-mcguire-colorado-springs-co/184329
Haley Wise
https://thecompassionatecollective.com/
Erica Henkel
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erica-henkel-colorado-springs-co/713900
Caren Kelly
Life’s Hope Therapeutic Services in Arvada, CO
720-523-3523
Caren@carenkellyrelationshiptherapy.org
Or caren@lifeshope.net
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I am sitting here this fine Monday morning, contemplating my purpose and intention for the day. No, actually for the year, and perhaps the decade.
Robert Herrick’s poem, from which the title of this post is taken, enjoins young virgins to marry while they are young, when their “youth and blood are warmer.” In other words, don’t waste time. Take advantage of your opportunities while they exist.
I am 61 years old at the time of this writing. Many people would say my opportunities are past. But I beg to differ. This decade is shaping up to be the best decade of my life. When I ask people to guess my age, they usually say 45 or 50, and I don’t correct them unless there is a need to. 45 is just about how I feel in my mind. Old enough to have learned a few things. Young enough to still enjoy life.
What am I enjoying? I am enjoying the love and attention of men of all ages. 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. And it is glorious.
My husband and I are polyamorous. What does that mean? It means we not only love each other, but agree that others are welcome in our relationship as well. No judgement, no jealousy, just multiple consensual meaningful relationships. We follow the ancient and newly rediscovered paradigm of ethical non-monogamy.
What makes it ethical to have multiple partners? The honesty, openness, and transparency with which we approach our relationships, and in fact our whole lives. We have no secrets. Each of us knows about what the other is doing, and agree to it. There is no cheating, and no deception.
No, we haven’t broken our wedding vows. We are not promising “til death do us part” although we see no reason why we would part. We have promised to love each other, support each other, and stay together, as long as it is healthy for both of us. We did not vow to be the only love in each other’s lives, because that would be unhealthy.
As a human species, non-monogamy is our genetic inheritance. Our DNA is encoded with genes that encourage us to bond with multiple partners. For millions of years, this was the norm, until so-called “civilization” decided otherwise.
Now, instead of just accepting the dictates of society, you have another choice. Multiple choices, really, because polyamory knows no boundaries. There’s no wrong way to do it, and no one way that is best for everyone.
What this means for me is, I feel gloriously and wonderfully alive. Fully in control of and enjoying my sexual freedom to express myself in whatever way I choose. And taking back the terms “slut” and “whore” from the depths of non-respectability.
A woman, or man for that matter, should not be labeled negatively because they enjoy the full range of sexual experience available to them. And anyone who knows me knows I will not tolerate shaming in this matter.
What does polyamory look like for us? Multiple friends, friends with benefits, non-sexual romantic partnerships, and fully sexual intimate partners. They all meet legitimate needs, and are all perfectly natural and satisfying.
Consequently, the decade of my sixties is looking to be the best of my life. Yes, I wish I had pursued this lifestyle when I was younger, but these choices were not available to me at that time. And now they are. Being free to love whoever you choose opens up so many possibilities in your life. You can’t imagine the exhilaration, the sense of the unlimited.
As I sit here and contemplate the day, and the decade, my intention is to wring every ounce of meaning out of it that I can. To share my love with as many people as I can, as long as those relationships provide meaningful emotional connections. Because that’s what we all want - connection.
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It is widely agreed that marriage began long before recorded history. Originally, marriages had multiple partners. In both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible, marriages with multiple partners were the norm.
The earliest recorded evidence of marriage was in 2350 BC in the Far East. Over the next several hundred years, marriage evolved into a widespread institution embraced by various cultures. Monogamy was first codified as the only legal choice by the Romans between the 2nd and 3rd centuries. Then it became the guiding force for Western marriages some time between the 6th and 9th centuries due to a protracted battle between the Catholic Church and the local nobility, who wanted to take multiple wives.
X
It’s important to note here that nothing in the Bible even suggests that monogamy was the only accepted form of relationship structure. Monogamy was never mentioned or commanded for the average person. The only exception to this was in the qualifications of bishops/pastors/elders that they be the husband of one wife. This was not a spiritual requirement, only a practical one. If one was going to devote their life to managing the affairs of the church, he would not have the time to provide for and keep happy more than one wife. This was not a command that all people be monogamous. The fact that this requirement was mentioned at all indicates that plural marriage was the norm, or else there would have been no need to specify monogamy for elders. Nowhere in the Bible are plural relationships condemned or prohibited.
The main purpose of marriage early on was to act as an alliance between families, for either economic or political reasons, or both. Marriage did not start out as a union between people who loved each other and wanted to commit their lives to each other. If two neighboring countries were at war, they might seek to establish peace by having a son and daughter from each noble family to marry. Most of the time these young people had no say in the matter. Marriage was a financial transaction. The father of the groom paid a bride price, or dowry, to purchase the bride, and she was considered her husband’s property. It didn’t matter if they loved each other or not, and no one cared about their happiness. It was irrelevant. So, you see, marriage was really a despicable institution with a sordid history. Nothing more than a financial and social contract. Another purpose of it was to legitimize offspring, because you didn’t want to pass your land and title to someone that was not your legitimate heir. So once again, preserving money and power were the only goals.
X
My goal in explaining all this is to educate people before they decide to participate in the institution of marriage. It is not necessary to marry because it does not ensure happiness or stability.
Some people think this is hypocritical on my part because I am married. And I then explain that in this day and age, there are legal and financial advantages to being married. But in this case, I am the one benefitting from those advantages. It’s not my father, my husband, or my country that are reaping the benefits, and I am the one freely choosing it.
X
If you are marrying for the financial advantages, then great. But do not make the mistake of thinking that marriage is necessary or even desirable for other reasons. Marriage confers a lot of unfortunate, unnecessary baggage.
Truths about marriage:
1. You do not need to marry to commit your life to someone.
2. You do not need to marry to have sex.
3. You do not need to marry to live with someone.
4. You do not need to marry to have a nesting partner
5. You do not need to accept monogamy as the only relationship structure.
X
6. You do not need to marry for your child to bear your partner’s name.
7. You do not need to marry to insure stability in your relationship.
X
Therefore, the only legitimate reason to marry is for the legal and financial advantages.
X
If you’re already married, there’s no reason to seek a divorce, unless there are complicating legal factors. As polyamorous folks, our marital status is irrelevant. If you’re not married, there is no reason to engage in marriage unless you are desperate for legal and financial advantages.
Some people might object at this point, saying, “Just because marriage used to be an undesirable state, doesn’t mean it is now. Now people get married because they love each other.” Let me ask you this. Would your spouse love you any less if you weren’t married? How does signing a piece of paper make your spouse love you more?
X
We need to address the widespread problems with marriage that contribute to the 50% divorce rate. According to Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, Family Law Attorneys, lack of commitment is responsible for 73% of all divorces (2). So, our perception that marriage makes a relationship more stable is a false one.
Below are the ten most common reasons for divorce:
1. Lack of commitment
2. Personal differences or growing apart
3. Excessive arguing
4. Abuse and domestic violence
5. Getting married too young
6. Substance abuse
7. Financial issues
8. Having unrealistic expectations
9. Impotence and infertility
I 10. Infidelity
Even though “having unrealistic expectations” is it’s own category, the argument can be made that unrealistic expectations contribute to, or are the root cause of, every other category. We are programmed from our youth, through movies, music, commercials, religious training, etc., to expect monogamy, lifelong commitment, and wedded bliss.it simply does not happen. Even those couples who stay married admit that their marriages are not always happy, but they stuck it out anyway.
Why do we believe that sticking it out for years while remaining unhappy is more desirable than seeking happiness? 2nd and 3rdmarriages have even higher rates of divorce, indicating that people are dragging their unrealistic expectations into subsequent relationships. Nothing ever gets fixed.
X
I would submit that there is something inherently wrong with marriage, and that divorce will not lessen or subside while this relationship structure continues to try to adhere to blatantly unhealthy and unreasonable norms.
How do you solve the “lack of commitment” problem? Perhaps by realizing that we are asking too much of people. 30, 40, or 50 years is a long time, and over the course of those years, people do grow and change. Rarely do two people change at the same rate or in the same direction. If I have changed but my partner hasn’t should I expect to somehow bring them along? You cannot control another person, nor should you try. You must simply let them be who they are, and go on with your life.
X
This idea of marriage for life is a romantic notion, probably fed by our hormones, but it is neither practical nor necessary. if you can pull it off, great. But don’t beat yourself up if you can’t. In any other endeavor in life, you would change to fit the circumstances. If you chose a career, started working in your chosen field, and found out you hated it, should you continue in a job you hate for 20, 30, 40 years or more? No, you’d change careers. If you bought a car, drove it for 20 years, and then noticed it was falling apart, would you continue to drive it and refuse to get another one? Of course not. Then why do we cling to the idea of lifelong monogamy?
You can either chuck the whole thing and get a new one, or you can embrace the idea of ethical non-monogamy. An idea whose time has come.
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References:
1. https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody
2. https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/
3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4002864/
5. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2972416/pdf/IJPsy-38-109.pdf
I had promised to post my latest labs. Here they are. A1c is 6.7, a huge improvement. Triglycerides normal, cholesterol lowest it’s ever been, despite being on keto and eating cholesterol all day long. Itamin D 46, a huge improvement from where I started at 19. Hemoglobin 14.2, which means I am no longer anemic. Yay!
If you want to print out each of the pictures below on a separate page, click on the picture. The red dots are the tapping points.
Top of head
Eyebrow
Corner of eye
Under eye
Under nose
On chin
On the “sore spot.”
Under arm
On wrists
Back to top of head.
See video for further details.
These pictures are copyrighted to me, but you may print out one copy for your own use. Please don’t distribute.
Many of you complain about not having any quick keto meal ideas. So here’s one of my all time favorites.
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The thought that we should be able to eat anything we want with no consequences is a thought we should question. Sugars, grains and seed oils inflame the body, causing a progression of degenerative disease. But is it really possible to live a life without consuming them? Absolutely yes, it is.
Here’s a delicious waffle recipe that uses no sugar, starch, or seed oils. Give it a try.
This survey was conducted online for a period of a week.
The survey consisted of five questions. A summary of the responses is recorded below.
1. Do you remove hair from any body parts other than your face?
Yes, usually - 70%
Not unless my partner requests it - 5%
Only before a first date - 5%
I used to but don’t anymore - 15%
Never - 5%
2. Do you remove your pubic hair?
Yes, usually - 70%
Only before a first date - 5%
Only if my partner requests it - 10%
I used to, but don’t anymore - 10%
Never - 5%
3. If your partner has visible body hair someplace other than their face, does that affect your decision to date them?
Yes - 20%
No - 80%
4. If your partner has visible body hair someplace other than their face, does that affect your decision to have sex with them?
Yes - 20%
No - 80%
5. What is your gender?
Male - 25%
Female - 70%
Other - 5%
The first interesting thing to me is that 70% of people are removing their pubic hair, even though only 20% of people say it matters to them if their partner has it. I wondered if that 70% reflected only females, since 70% of respondents were female, but of those who answered “Yes, usually” to the question of do you remove your pubic hair, 29% were male, 7% were other, and 64% were female.
The only truly disturbing thing for me was that 20% of people allow visible body hair to be a deciding factor in whether they date someone. We really are a vain bunch.
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And yet, I’ve learned to make accommodations in my daily life so that I can continue in a somewhat normal manner. Instead of carrying in groceries, I put them in a little cart and push them in. Instead of standing in front of the sink and leaning over to wash dishes, I have a stool I sit on. I have also learned to make accommodations so that I can have a satisfying sex life.
One day my back was acting up, and my partner wanted to have sex. It had been acting up for several days, but I just didn’t want to put off having sex any longer, so we went ahead, with a few modifications. Lying on my side put less pressure on my back, so we opted for that. The rhythmic pelvic motions seemed to gently massage my lower back. As my partner caressed my skin, my pain seemed to recede into the background.
After a few days of this, my back didn’t seem to hurt as much, and seemed stronger. Could it be that sex is a good way to manage chronic pain?
I went looking for support for this idea. It turns out, there is some. According to Psychology Today,
“…research consistently shows that oxytocin not only increases emotional connection, it also promotes a sense of calm and well-being, and reduces the effects of stress (as measured by blood pressure and cortisol), all of which are relevant in reducing perceptions of pain. In fact, oxytocin is currently being tested as an avenue of treatment for neuropathic and inflammatory pain.” (1)
Oxytocin is released when the skin is caressed or massaged, and during orgasm. Also released are serotonin, phenylalanine, and natural endorphins, all of which increase feelings of satisfaction.
Even if we just lay in bed, hold each other and caress each others’ skin, this produces a powerful sense of well-being. And for the 30 seconds or so that it takes to have an orgasm, your pain will be totally forgotten. In the minute or two following orgasm, there will still be decreased levels of pain. At least, that’s been my experience.
And if you are alone, without a partner, well, orgasm is still possible. Invest in some “toys” and have a go at it. I have found orgasm followed by meditation helps prolong my feelings of physical well-being.
1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/paintracking/201111/the-healing-powers-sex
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I am now carefully controlling my blood sugars, but the damage is done. Normal medical therapy for this condition is laser treatments to seal up the bleeding blood vessels. I had this treatment in 2010. I can’t say I was all that pleased with the results.
I went to a retinal specialist and he said “Now we are going to give you one treatment on your left eye this week, then next week one on the right eye, then the next week, another treatment on the left and then another treatment on the right.” And I said “No.”
“Doctor, I can’t let you work on both eyes at once because if something goes wrong, I have to drive for my job, and I won’t be able to work, and then I will have no insurance and no money to pay you for these treatments.”
He looked at me with this stone cold look on his face and said, “Well, you could always go on disability. “
I said to myself, this guy knows nothing about what it’s like to live on disability. First of all, getting approved is difficult. You can’t get approved if you are still working, so I’d have to quit. Then after you get approved, you aren’t eligible for Medicare for two years. So he wants me to take a 3/4 pay cut and get no medical treatment for two years so I can take his treatments.
“What are the possible side effects from this procedure?”
“None,” he says.
“Doctor, there is no such thing as a medical procedure without possible side effects.
”He says, “If your vision worsens, it will be because of the progression of your disease, and not because of anything I might do.”
“I am not saying you would do anything wrong. But even if everything goes right, there could still be side effects. Pain, redness blurred vision, anything like that?”
“No.”
I didn’t believe him. “Well, this is my offer. You can work on the left eye, and if that goes all right, then you can work on the right one.”
He says, “I think that is an extraordinarily foolish decision. If you don’t take these treatments, in a year you’ll be blind.”
It has been 11 years, and I am not blind. Is my vision perfect? No, but I’m not blind.
He finally agreed to work on one eye. After the first treatment, the whole top half of my field of vision clouded up. After the second treatment, the bottom half clouded up, and I had no usable vision in that eye for six months. I had been right. There was pain, swelling, and blurred vision, just the side effects I had been afraid of. I didn’t go back to have the other eye done.
The eye he worked on had no better vision than the other one. Then they wanted to do a vitrectomy, a procedure that terrifies me. No, not for me.
So I have started to look for alternative treatments. One of the functions of Vitamin C in the body is to strengthen the walls of veins and capillaries. So I am assuming I need more Vitamin C if my tiny blood vessels are leaking. In any other part of the body, leaking blood vessels would be called a bruise. What can you do to heal bruises naturally?
According to Fergon.com, “ Individuals who have low iron levels are more susceptible to bruising and experiencing bruises that last a long time. Therefore, it may be beneficial to take iron supplements…Other recommendations include… Eating a healthy diet with iron-rich foods, as well as foods with vitamin C and vitamin K, aid the reabsorption of blood and the healing of bruises as well.”
According to an article in BioMed Central’s Journal, Eye and Vision,
“We have reviewed the literature for nutritional interventions that support conventional therapies to reduce disease risk and severity. Optimal combinations of vitamins B1, B2, B6, L-methylfolate, methylcobalamin (B12), C, D, natural vitamin E complex, lutein, zeaxanthin, alpha-lipoic acid, and n-acetylcysteine are identified for protecting the retina and choroid.
Large doses of B6, B12, and Folic Acid have also shown to lower homocysteine levels, thereby limiting damage to blood vessels by homocysteine.
So I am starting a regimen of the above vitamins, minerals and antioxidants.
Webber Naturals Supervision 50 Plus
Ancestral Supplements Beef Liver for Iron
I have also been doing the Keto Diet and have lowered my A1c from 7,9 to 6.7 without medication.
I will let you know how it goes.
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We are finally able to make piano lessons available to our clients once again.
Lessons are given at All Souls Unitarian Universalist Church, 720 N. Tejon, in downtown Colorado Springs.
Students must remain masked if unvaccinated.
For more info or to sign up, 719-640-0857 or email at unhinderedliving@gmail.com
PayPal payments can be sent to unhinderedliving@gmail.com
I use the word “average” but, in fact, plus-size women ARE the average now. Society is only now starting to give us some much needed validation.
I love Sarah Millican. She’s my favorite comedian. Not only is she hilariously funny, but in a recent show she told the audience, “I’m fatter than I’ve ever been, and I couldn’t give less of a shit.” I love you Sarah, you’re my hero.
If you are considering asking a plus-size woman out on a date, well, why would you want to when there are so many “normal” women available? A plus-size woman, by virtue of her situation, is an incredibly confident woman. And isn’t confidence attractive? She has to be confident. No one else is validating her, so she has to do it herself. She knows her worth, and she doesn’t need you. So the fact that she WANTS you is a compliment to you.
She is probably an extremely intelligent person. She’s developed her mind because all her life she’s been told, “you don’t have much of a body, so you better develop your brain.” And she has, not to prove anything to you, but because she was smart to begin with, and she knows it.
She is more than likely an extremely empathetic person, due mostly to the indignities she’s had to endure. She knows what it’s like to be disregarded, overlooked, and ignored. She knows what it’s like to be thought of as less than human, and she doesn’t want you to ever have to feel that way.
Yet no one ever recognizes her BEAUTY. Yes, the round fullness of her voluptuous curves is beautiful. The softness of her huggable body is a joy. The depth of her emotion is unfathomable. She quivers with delight as you touch her, as you make clear to her that you love to touch her.
Yes, we are confident, intelligent, and empathetic. But we have a beauty all our own, if you take the time to experience it.
If not, well, frankly, we won’t give you a second thought. Believe it or not, for every one of you who disregards us, there are three who will not. Yes ladies, your confidence and exuberance for life are like a magnet. And the potential partners of truly superior quality will be drawn to you.
So if you are one of those who says “No thank you,” you’ve proved my point. By choosing to pass up a truly incredible woman, you have showed your unworthiness, and made plain your lack of superior quality. We’re not crying over you. We feel sorry for you, but we’re not losing any sleep over you.
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But marriage and monogamy are not the only viable relationship models. According to the latest research, as much as 6% of the American population is engaged in consensual non-monogamous relationships. That translates into millions of people who have escaped the straightjacket of forced monogamy. No, this is not the same as infidelity. When a partner has been unfaithful, there has been a breaking of trust. Partners who have pledged monogamy and then find themselves straying and using lies and deceit to hide it from their partner is breaking trust with their partner. But when relationship partners design their relationships from the start to include the possibility of other partners, and open, honest communication about such partners is engaged in with the consent of all, there is no breaking of trust. This is ethical and productive.
Consensual non-monogamous relationships can take the form of sex for fun, or “swingers” as they have been called. Or the relationships can be more serious, permanent, and intimate. Polyamory, or “many loves” as the term is defined, usually takes the form of more permanent relationships. There are many forms: one man with two women; one woman with two men, both called “throuples”; two couples of opposite or same genders, and the list can go on and on. The configuration is limited only by the members’ ability to love.
Why would anyone in a traditional relationship style want to open up their relationship to other partners? For my husband of ten years and myself, the idea began after a long discussion about evolutionary biology. For most of the millions of years that humans have existed on this planet, they have been polyamorous. Monogamy was only popularized by the Romans 2,000 to 3,000 years ago. Polyamory gave humans an evolutionary advantage, hence the reason it has survived to this day in spite of society’s concerted attempt to stamp it out.
Our discussion then turned to more practical matters. We agreed that we saw no reason why a relationship in which one of the partners had been “unfaithful” needed to be dissolved, at least, not if the partners understood the causes of such wandering and were willing to be open and honest about them. My husband had always assured me of his love in the strongest terms, and I am secure in that love. In terms of evolutionary biology, however, the need for variety is hardwired into our DNA. It is not a character flaw, it is genetic. His appreciation of a beautiful woman as we walk down the street has nothing to do with inadequacy on my part, and I do not feel threatened by it. I can even share in his appreciation.
Then my husband asked the million dollar question. If I had sex with someone else, would you be offended? He was very brave to ask, and I appreciated his openness. I gave this a long bit of consideration, but I could find no reason to object. I had no fear he was going to leave me. He has spent the last ten years assuring me daily that I am a cut above any woman he has been with, even though I am obviously not as physically attractive as the average woman. He had convinced me of how incredibly happy he was with me. So I had no fear of rejection. None whatsoever.
The obvious question that I get asked is, if he is so happy, why is he straying? Well, I object to that terminology. He isn’t straying, he is fulfilling unmet needs. Let me answer it this way. What is your favorite food? If you say “cheesecake” then why don’t you eat it every day, for every meal? Because obviously, you might occasionally want something else. Just because I choose steak once in a while doesn’t mean I don’t love cheesecake anymore. I just like a little variety.
So I told my husband no, I wouldn’t be offended, as long as we discussed each encounter and we were both aware of everything that was going on. Perhaps if the person was someone I liked, we could even make them a permanent part of our relationship. And that’s how we started.
I have to say that being totally open and honest about all our thoughts and feelings has only served to deepen our relationship. I haven’t regretted it yet.
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Public education has been a grand, mass experiment to see just how much the powerful could control the powerless. Do you want to be one of the powerless? Is that what you want your children to be? Give them a fighting chance to break out of this social straightjacket.to fill the young of the species with knowledge and awaken their intelligence. . . . Nothing could be further from the truth. The aim.. . is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States . . . and that is its aim everywhere else.
