The practice of meditation is described as having two wings: recognizing, so that you actually see what is happening in the present moment, and allowing, where whatever is seen is held with kindness — seeing what’s here and regarding it with tenderness. Saying yes.” (Tara Brach)
“Saying yes” is another way of saying “Loving What Is.” This is where Tara Brach meets Byron Katie.
When we are feeling broken and defective, we must be gentle with ourselves. We are already feeling shame because of thinking we are defective. For some people, finding forgiveness for themselves for being imperfect is difficult. But how wonderful to discover that there is nothing to forgive!
Which of these scenarios gives you more of a feeling of relief?
“I am defective and imperfect. I ask forgiveness for the imperfection and hold myself with tenderness.”
“I am perfectly acceptable and love myself just the way I am.”
When I believe I am defective and imperfect, I am believing a story that I’ve accepted as true. I compare myself to others and believe that I come up short. There is some minimum standard that I feel I don’t meet. But in loving myself just the way I am, there are no standards to meet. Whatever I am is acceptable.
Now, that goes against the grain in our society. Whatever I am is acceptable. No one is ever wrong. There are no mistakes. We just can’t accept that there is nothing to be sorry for.
When we are at war, we stay in prison. So don’t be at war with who you are. If someone else has a problem with something you’ve done or who you are, that’s their work to take care of. You are not responsible for how others feel about you.
Love sees no imperfection. The essence of perfection is the belief that there is one way of being that is right and all other ways are wrong. Any differences or deviations from that one right way is imperfection. This way of believing is total arrogance! Individual differences are not deviations of quality. They are deviations of variety. The fact that an apple is not an orange does not mean the apple is imperfect. It’s just different.
So when you say “I wish my spouse would behave differently” realize that you are asking an apple to become an orange. Not possible. An orange is not better than an apple and there’s nothing wrong with your spouse’s behavior. It’s just different than what you expected or wanted. You can wish all day that the apple would become an orange but is that going to happen, and should you expect it to happen? You should not expect your spouse to change any more than you can expect the apple to change. Loving what is means radically accepting your spouse, saying yes to what is. Embracing whatever arises with love and tenderness.
We’ve been preached to for so long that things should be a certain way. The belief that everything should be a certain way is a lie. Everything is exactly the way it should be.
Saying yes to everything with love……let that sink in.
Saying yes to everything, with love.
Saying yes means recognizing reality and choosing to love it.
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Copyright Judie C. McMath and The Center for Unhindered Living