Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Unlearning Our Childhood

Today I was rifling through my pantry trying to find something. I stood back to look at the shelves and saw that all the canned goods were neatly stacked on the left side of one shelf. Except for one lonely can of tomato sauce that was by itself on another shelf. At that moment, I got a pang of sadness on behalf of the lonely can, and moved it so that it sat with the other canned goods.

Have you ever felt sorry for a can of tomato sauce, or some other inanimate object?

My mind went back to my childhood. I'd be sitting at the table eating and the meal would be close to over. There would be one slice of bacon left on the serving plate, or one small spoonful of peas in the serving dish and someone in my family would say, "Look at that piece of bacon, all alone. He's going to be so sad that he's not in your stomach with his friends." And so I would eat the piece of bacon so he wouldn't feel lonely.

Now, any sane person knows that bacon doesn't have feelings. A can of tomato sauce can't be sad. But because those are the tactics used by my family, even now, fifty years later, I still experience that pang of sadness and loneliness on behalf of the loner. And probably one reason I can never leave food on my plate (leading to a lifelong weight problem).

How many of those supposedly innocent things our parents said to us have affected us for life without us even knowing it?

Probably another thing that came out of that was the compulsive need to finish everything I start. You may think that's a good thing. It's not. It's important to know when enough is enough. It's important to know that you are in charge of your own life, and you have the right to stop doing something if it's not what you want to be doing. You don't have to dot every i and cross every t. You don't have to close every door you open.

Many things that parents make their kids do are counterproductive to this understanding. The understanding that I shouldn't have to do somthing that makes me uncomfortable just because an adult or an authority figure says I should do it. I still have autonomy.

But how many of these things have you made your kids say or do, or heard someone else do it?

Making your child hug or kiss a relative they aren't comfortable with.
Making your child apologize for something when they aren't sorry.
Making your child show respect to someone who doesn't deserve it.
Making your child eat something they don't like.
Making your child conform to gender stereotypes.
Making your child say "Yes sir" or "No sir."
Making sure your child knows that his behavior should never embarrass you (even though that's YOUR issue, not his).
Making your child believe that sharing is more important than personal autonomy.
Making your child sleep in a dark room alone, even though he's fearful.
Chastising your child because he doesn't do well in school.

These are just some of the examples.

So many of us need to unlearn what we were taught. We need to stop feeling bad about things that have nothing to do with us. We need to stop feeling bad about things that were our parents' issues and not our issues. We need to start feeling comfortable in our own skin, perfectly happy with who we are. And we need to realize that even if we don't make our beds every day, even if we don't care about school, even if we hate vegan food, even if we don't feel obliged to vote, even if we don't believe in god, even if we don't want to sleep alone, even if we aren't pro-life and Republican, we're still okay.


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Copyright  Judie C. McMath and The Center for Unhindered Living

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