The Purple Couch

We are all looking for meaning in life. It is a basic tenet of human existence that we need to find order in chaos. But how to do that is the question.

Any human constructed or derived system has flaws because humans are flawed. But that's all we have to work with. Even religious systems of thought that are supposed to come from divine sources are only systems derived by humans. The gods or goddesses serve only as vehicles for us to accomplish what every human since the beginning of time has tried to do. Come up with some way of understanding the world and some way to navigate our place in it while trying to reach some level of happiness and contentment.

None of the systems available, whether religious, philosophical, or scientific, meet this goal well. And we must ask ourselves, why is this so elusive?

The most obvious answer is that we are trying to give meaning to something that is inherently meaningless. In that case, no matter what kind of system of thought we apply to it, it will never makes sense.

So are there any universal principles that can be derived from our experiences here on earth? Is there anything we can count on to be true?

The answer is no. Because everything that we perceive as existing in the world exists only in our minds. And although we may think we share a common experience of a particular thing, we can never be sure that's the case. The world that YOU experiences is perceived by your mind, through the biology of your brain. But my experience of that same world may be perceived totally differently.

For instance, you and I may be sitting on a purple couch together. At least, that's the mutually agreed upon definition of what we're doing. Photons of light hit this thing we're sitting on and the photons bounce into our eyes. My brain and your brain translate these photons into an image that has color, length, width, depth and texture. But we don't really know if we're seeing the same thing at all. When we both look at the couch, we see what we call color. But we don't know what that color really is. Let's say that on the floor next to the couch is also a purple pillow. So I look at the couch and I look at the pillow and I say hey, those two things are the same color. And you look at them and say yeah, they are. Now we have to agree on a name for that color. So we agree to call it purple. But all we really know is that the couch and the pillow are the same color. We still don't really know what that color is because there is no objective standard. I can't ever know if what I see as purple and what you see as purple are really the same. All I can determine is that we both see the couch and the pillow as the same color. But I could be seeing it as purple and you could actually be seeing green. We can't know that because no one can see what another person sees. We just agreed to CALL it purple for convenience, but there is no way to EVER know that the colors look the same to both of us.

All of reality is like this. You can never know that the way you perceive things is right. And therefore you cannot judge someone else for perceiving something differently than you because there IS NO OBJECTIVE TRUTH.

So our whole world is constructed around mutually agreed upon definitions which are often wrong. Nothing that you believe to be true can actually be validated as true.

I must keep this in mind as I walk through my day. Anything I experience is subject to misinterpretation, both by me and others. Most of the things I attach significance to aren't really significant at all. And therefore nothing to get upset about. I should therefore approach my day with a sense of wonder and curiosity rather than irritation, expectations and suffering.

How can you have an expectation about something you know absolutely nothing about? Expectations are derived from past experience. You think something happened a certain way before and so it will again. You can't have an expectation unless you think you know something. You think you know how something is supposed to happen and you are disappointed when it doesn't happen that way again. But your expectation is unrealistic because you don't really know anything. You are basing your happiness on an illusion.

If you were the only one alive in this world and therefore the only one perceiving it, then you could confidently make some assertions about what is objective truth. But once there is even one other person in the world perceiving it as well, there is no longer any objective truth. It's not like there is a meter out there that I can hook up to the couch which will register whether it is purple or not. Your brain is the meter. Your brain is the tool that is measuring all the parameters of the couch.

If we want to do objective research on say, the temperature in the city we live in, we first have to have a way to measure temperature. So you and I go to the store and buy two sophisticated temperature measuring devices. And we decide we are going to go out and measure the temperature in different parts of the city. The first thing we have to do is calibrate our two machines to make sure they are measuring the same. So we get a cup of water and we put the two devices in the water and see if we get the same temperature. If they do, then we might be able to make some objective statements about the temperature in our city based on these measurements.

The problem is, there's no way to do this with our human brains as the instrument. If the two temperature measuring devices don't match, then we can change the calibration until they do match. But there is no way to know if our brains are objectively measuring things the same way. So we can never know which perception of the couch is correct. Is it purple or is it green? We can never know.

So in order to continue to live in the world, most people agree to accept arbitrary definitions for things. The couch is purple, people shouldn't steal from each other, children should be seen and not heard, my spouse should pay attention to me, nobody should hurt me, I should always follow the rules, the rules are important, the rules are necessary, there is a god, my way is right. All these are arbitrary definitions that somebody has constructed to define their truth. But they are all arbitrary. They are not reality.

You are free to determine your own reality. You need no justification for it. When someone disagrees with your reality, you have no need to get defensive and try to justify why you believe what you believe and neither does anyone else. No one way of perceiving reality is right while all others are wrong.

So, you can construct a reality in which you get upset about every little thing that doesn't agree with you, or you can construct a reality in which you are always happy, despite your circumstances.

There is really no need for unhappiness. Unhappiness simply means you have a flawed perception of reality. There's no judgment to this. It's neither right nor wrong to have flawed perception. It's just the state you happen to be in. You are not a bad person because of your perception. You are not defective. You are simply experiencing what it's like to be human.

Next time you experience frustration with someone or with a situation, remember the purple couch. Remember that you cannot know if they are seeing the couch the same way as you.

For instance, let's say you want your spouse to pay more attention to you. You think they spend too much time working, and when they're with you they aren't really paying attention to you, and you're irritated by this. Where's the purple couch in this situation?

You do not know that you and your spouse are perceiving the situation alike. Just as you can't really know that you see the purple couch the same way, you can't know that you and your spouse both agree on what "paying enough attention" is. Your spouse can't read your mind. Have you told them how much attention you expect? Have they agreed to that? If not, then how can you hold them to that standard? How much time is "too much" spent working? How do you know what is "too much"? How do you know that either of these situations warrants you being irritated? Who is the ultimate authority on whether your spouse is working too much and paying too little attention to you? There is no ultimate authority. The definitions are arbitrary. No one is right and no on is wrong.

Since you can't depend on these arbitrary definitions, you can't hold your spouse to that as a standard. Not only is it unfair to hold them to a standard they didn't agree to, it's unfair to hold them to a standard that isn't really a standard. It's just your opinion.

So you can't blame your spouse for your irritation. Yet, you can't deny that the irritation is there. What do you do about it?

This isn't about invalidating your feelings. You're irritated and something needs toe done about it. But it's YOU who needs to do something about it, not your spouse. Not anyone else. Just you.

Since it's only your perception that can ever define your existence, how can you expect anyone else to change your perception? Only you can do that. To expect other people to change, or your situation to change, as a method to make you happy makes no sense. That's like saying I'm unhappy because the couch is purple. Then you expect your spouse to change that. Your spouse can't change your perception of the couch. Whether it's purpose or green, your spouse can't change the way your brain perceives that color. Your spouse can't change whether you are happy or unhappy, irritated or content. You shouldn't expect that.

If you simply CHANGE YOUR MIND about what your spouse is doing, then you won't be unhappy. Why should I have to change but my spouse doesn't have to do anything? Because you can only change yourself, you can't change anything else in the world. And to think that you can is to repeatedly bang your head against a brick wall. You are arguing with reality and that makes no sense and only makes you suffer.

So I guess the question is, do you want to suffer, or not? I don't.

Some people would say that avoiding suffering should not be our goal. They see suffering as noble and necessary. I see it as pointless and self-defeating. There is nothing to be gained by intentionally suffering.

So, I gladly and cheerfully encourage my spouse to live in a way that makes him happy. Work as much as he wants, spend as much or as little time with me as he wants, because my happiness is not going to be affected at all. I've made up my mind to be happy, and so I will be.

But what about that irritation I'm feeling, you say? I'm irritated because I want to spend more time with my spouse. Maybe it's not about your spouse at all. Maybe you just want to feel connected. If you can't be connected to your spouse at that moment, some other person or thing can give you that connection. It's an arbitrary rule somebody thought up that says that only our spouse can meet our needs. Only our spouse can or should provide connection and validation. This is an erroneous, arbitrary rule.

And then again, we must realize that our perception of what "connection" is or should be is once again arbitrary. No two people's perception of this connection is the same. So your spouse probably has no idea that you are bothered by this lack of agreement about connection. Your irritation with your spouse needs to be redirected. Irritation is probably not an accurate and helpful description. Let's think of another word.

When you feel any negative emotion, whether it's irritation, frustration, anger, fear, etc. This is similar to the pedestrian detection censors they are starting to put on cars that detect the presence of pedestrians and stop the car from hitting them. Your emotional guidance system tells you when to make a course correction. It doesn't tell you anything about what your spouse should be doing. It tells you what YOU should be doing. You and you alone.

When you feel irritated, frustrated, angry, fearful, your emotional guidance system is telling you that YOU need to change something. NOT that your spouse needs to change or that the situation needs to change. YOU need to change. If you're sailing along and you start to feel irritated at your spouse because you have the thought "My spouse isn't spending enough time with me," stop your vehicle and make a course correction. Change your direction.

Find something in that moment that DOESN'T make you feel irritated. What could you do to take away that irritated feeling that doesn't involve changing your spouse or the situation? Because you never can and never should try to change another person.

Well, I just can't do that, you say. Some people are doing destructive things. Some people need to change. Once again, are you enjoying banging your head against that brick wall? How's that going for you?

The bottom line is, you are causing your own suffering. You can stop banging your head against that brick wall at any time. But you insist that causing yourself pain is somehow better? HOW?

You are accomplishing nothing by suffering. The other person doesn't want to change, doesn't see any need to change, and frankly, THERE IS NO NEED FOR THEM TO CHANGE if they don't want to. So you are the only one that's suffering. And you are a hypocrite. Because in one breath you say people should stop doing destructive things and here you are banging your head against a brick wall, causing your own suffering. And you don't see that as destructive.

So the simplest, easiest, path of less suffering is, live and let live. Don't expect anything of anyone. Just go live your life and make yourself happy. Don't worry about other people. Don't worry about whether they are doing the right thing or whether they are doing what you would do. Just live. This is radical acceptance.


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Copyright  Judie C. McMath and The Center for Unhindered Living