A Day Spent Babysitting the Ego

Today I didn't have any place I had to go or anything I had to do. So I sat in my chair and dozed on and off all morning, letting my mind wander to wherever it wanted to go. I highly recommend this mind wandering. I wandered through the absolutely delightful place of no stress, no direction and no needs. It was blissful.

I realized that I might not have many of these days after my husband returns from the hospital, which he will be doing in a few days. And boom! In that single moment, the ego managed to pull me out of paradise into a story. You know, those stories we've talked about in almost every blog post. The stories that aren't true and that bring us stress.

In moments like this, I don't even have to use the Four Questions and Turnarounds anymore to prove to myself that it's a story. I KNOW that it's not true immediately. Any stressful thought is not true.

So I toss the thought out and go back to bliss. I wander through the streets of bliss for a while more, and become aware that I'd like some coffee at some point. But how to get up and make the coffee, to engage in actual motion and accomplish something without leaving this blissful state? I pondered it for a few moments and decided to try and still do some mind wandering while making the coffee. But then I'm not being present with making the coffee if I'm trying to think of something else to distract myself from the making. So that won't work.

The key is to only do one thing at a time.

In our present culture, multitasking is a skill that is highly appreciated and even expected in some circumstances. Some job advertisements will even state "able to multitask" as a requirement. If you see a job ad like that, run the other way.

So I get up, go to the kitchen and learn that the coffee carafe is at the bottom of a pile of dishes, so doing just a few dishes will be necessary. How to do this so I don't pop out of this blissful state? I decide that not rushing is of paramount importance. I turn on the water, I slowly squirt some soap onto a dish. I slowly sponge the soap over the dish. I feel how the soap feels against the dish. I watch the soap bubbles artfully slide down the dish and drip into the sink. I enjoy the warm feeling of the water against my hands. I breathe in the sweet smell of the soap (I always buy dish soap based on it's smell, not its cleaning ability). I place the dishes in the drainer. Very slowly and deliberately. Very gently. Gentleness is also of paramount importance. Treat each dish tenderly.

Finally the coffee pot is perking and I sit down in my chair again to wait for it. Now I decide rather than just mind wandering to actually go into meditation. As I am sitting there, I immediately begin to notice my leg bouncing up and down. It's a little nervous tic that happens sometimes, like somebody tapping a pencil against a table. And I realize my body is trying to communicate with me.

Remember Sigmund Freud's model of the id, ego and superego? The id represents the passions and the ego tries to be the mediator between the passions of the id and the unrealistic expectations of the superego. The ego is always hailed as being the sane and practical one, the rider that rides and directs the horse of the id. But of course, this was just Freud's interpretation. Reality is a little bit different.

The id is like a child. A child that comes to its mother's side and tugs on her sleeve to get her attention. And what do parents often do when that happens? If they are busy with something else, they say "Yes dear" and ignore the child. Not always, but often. When you're not paying attention to your id, which often manifests itself in your body, your body will try to get your attention. The ONLY way it can get your attention it to do something physical.

So I realize that my body is trying to get my attention. That little nervous leg bounce starts. And I am immediately aware of that child tugging at my sleeve. What is it trying to tell me? I am trying to meditate and it is tugging. Pay attention to me, it says. Could it be that even meditating takes me away from the needs of my inner self? Usually meditation is how I get in touch with my inner self.

And then I suddenly realize, I am lost in a story again. The ego is so masterful at deception. It poses as the id to trick me into getting lost in another story. I am once again, not in my bliss.

Not that your body doesn't try to communicate with you, it does, and often. But you need to know when it really is the id tugging at your sleeve, and when it's the ego trying to trick you.

So the paragraph before last, these words, "What is it trying to tell me? I am trying to meditate and it is tugging. Pay attention to me, it says. Could it be that even meditating takes me away from the needs of my inner self? Usually meditation is how I get in touch with my inner self." That is the story. The story that meditating takes me away from the needs of my inner self. 

The ego does not WANT me to meditate. It wants to stop that at all costs. Too much introspection will reveal the true motives and methods of the ego. He does not want to be found out.

Okay ego, good try. But I caught you. Now back to my bliss.

And back to the thought of the id as a little child. You may have read a previous blog post or page on my website about taking care of children, and how important your connection with them is as a parent. Let's say you are a parent of a six month old. You have the child laying on a blanket in front of you on the floor. You've got eye contact with the baby, and you are engaging them with talking, singing making sounds and gestures. The baby is smiling and laughing and obviously there is a connection. Then the phone rings. You immediately break the connection and jump for, running to the phone. The baby's connection with you is broken, and this causes him to become very disoriented and unsure of what is happening. He may even start to cry. That sense of connection is very important to the baby. If there's one thing I could teach parents, I would like it to be that you shouldn't suddenly break that connection. You need to ease out of it slowly as you gradually shift the baby's focus to something else other than you. Gradually, slowly, gently and tenderly. Anything sudden is not constructive for babies.

Well, your id is exactly the same. I am sitting there in my bliss and suddenly I'm pulled away by the ego. My connection with reality is broken. It should be startling to us to realize that, when we are actually in reality, it seems like a dream to us. Only the stories of the ego seem real.

But eventually you recognize, the stories of the ego feel hard, stark, razor sharp and often painful. The mind wandering, lovely, gentle, blissful presence of the reality often feels like a dream. And we've been taught that this dream is laziness, non-productive and useless.

Just as my experience with the dishes taught me, you CAN get something done without popping out of that bliss. Just slow down and pay attention to one thing at a time.

Now I know why I never could enjoy having a full time job. When you have to work on somebody else's schedule, it can be a challenge to stay in the moment. You constantly have to be questioning your thoughts.

"I have to get this project done on time." Is it true? 
"I can't do a good job unless I do x, y and z." Is it true?
"If I do this, my boss might fire me." Is it true?
"I have to keep this job." Is it true?

And then you're spending all your time out of your bliss, answering questions. Now, the questions ARE absolutely necessary. You have to question your thoughts to understand that they are not true. But, you get to the point where you don't even bother to ask the questions any more because you know they are almost always not true, and you want to get back to your bliss as soon as possible.

However, if you are new to The Work, I suggest you absolutely do need to do the questions. To learn about the Four Questions and Turnarounds of The Work, click HERE.

Unfortunately, the longer I stay in my bliss, the more impatient the ego becomes. It tries to convince me that I'm bored floating around in my bliss and need to get back to supposed reality to accomplish something. Too bad Mr. Ego, I've already proved that's not true.

Then the phone rings, twice. One call from a friend checking on my husband, one call from a doctor's office to make an appointment. I take both calls and write down the information. Then back to bliss.

Then immediately there's that tugging at my sleeve again. Don't you want to be doing something else, somebody says? My mind starts to wander, but not in a good way. It's looking for something "constructive" that needs doing to lure me back into frenzied activity. No chance.

What about clothes, it says. Don't you want to change out of your pajamas and put on clothes? I think about that. Putting on clothes is sort of a subconscious signal that I've got to "get something done." Can I put on clothes without feeling it's a precursor to useless activity? If it's slow and mindful enough. Putting on clothes can be a meditation without racing to the end to get it done. There, I'm dressed, ready for the next task. No, putting on clothes is the meditation. One piece of clothing at a time, slow and completely aware. Just like the dishes.

In this case, Freud's metaphor for the horse and rider seems completely backwards. I'm spending all my time restraining the ego to keep it from running amok. I finally decide that if I don't give the ego a few minutes of frenzied activity, who knows what it might do. So I set a time limit. Ego, you have 30 minutes to engage in frenzied activity. Then it's back to my bliss. I actually set the timer.

During that 30 minutes, I eat breakfast, vacuum, do the dishes, take out the trash, go get the mail, whatever I can fit into that 30 minutes, and let my mind chatter away while I'm doing it. I notice that several times while sitting down to write this, the leg tic starts again. I ignore it for the 30 minutes.

Timer goes off. Ego, back in your corner. I'm through with you for the day. Babysitting's done.


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Copyright  Judie C. McMath and The Center for Unhindered Living