First of all, there is a very important principle, one that you can't live without. And that principle is:
No one is ever wrong.
Well, you may ask, how can two people who disagree both be right? In our culture, we have been trained that there is always someone to blame, that there are always black and white answers to everything, and that if one person wins, that means someone else has to lose.
This could not be further from the truth.
Katie often says, "There are three kinds of business. My business, your business, and God's business (God being reality)." So if things are uncomfortable, stressful or in conflict, it's usually because somebody is in business other than their own.
So you are in conflict with someone. Let's look at it from the other person's point of view. Their behavior is caused by whatever they are thinking and believing. Whatever their story is, they are projecting that onto you and onto the whole situation. If you believed the story they believed, you would act the same way they are.
But you are doing the same thing. You are acting out the story that you are believing as well. And as we know from our previous talks, 99% of the thoughts we think are not true. They are projections of what we believe to be true. They are not reality.
So you and the other person both have your stories, neither of which are true. That's okay, you can go on believing your story if you want to. Just don't expect the other person to believe it also.
It's perfectly okay for both of you to live according to your own stories. But we should always expect people to behave exactly as they do and we should always expect things to happen just the way they are. Nothing is a mistake. Everything happens for a reason.
So as always, an example is helpful. Let's say you've invited someone to your house for dinner, and in your family's tradition, the dinner guest always brings something with them to dinner, possibly a bottle of wine or dessert. But let's say that in the other person's family, nobody drinks alcohol, and they never had family dinners at all. So that person is unaware that this is something other families do.
So this person shows up to your house with nothing in hand. And you get highly offended because this person came empty handed. The other person just showed up at your house, grateful for the fact that you cared enough to invite them. They are happy and cordial and oblivious to the fact that you are steaming because they showed up empty handed. Now, who is wrong in this scenario?
No one is wrong.
You both had expectations based upon your story about how a family dinner is "supposed" to go. But anytime you use the word "supposed to" or "not supposed to" then you KNOW you're in somebody else's business, not your own.
So, drop the attitude.
I this scenario, you could blame the other person for now knowing what you consider to be the common courtesies of family life. Or, you could blame yourself for not communicating to them clearly your expectations.
Or better yet, there need be no blame at all.
Realize that there really is no conflict. The stress is being caused by the thoughts you are thinking and believing, not by the other person or their conduct.
There is no one to blame. You both have your stories and you re both believing them. But when you become aware of this, simply drop the story. Then everybody wins.
And no, it's not your job to correct the other person, no matter what the scenario.
If you still come out of this feeling that you were right, then you have more work to do. Being judgmental is always a signal that you are still in somebody else's business.
And this may mean that you have to be a little flexible because you're not going to get everything your way. So I invite you to ask the Four Questions and Turnaround with this scenario.
"I still think I was right." Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it is true?
How do you respond when you think the thought "I was right."
You feel superior? You're frustrated, irritated, angry, in conflict, critical?
How do you react when you feel this way? Does it feel good? Would you like to alleviate that stress?
Then the important fourth question: Who would you be without this story? The story of being right and feeling stressed because of it?
Without believing this story, you would just be having dinner with friends. No stress, no blame, no criticism, no expectations.
Can you think of one good reason to keep this story that does not cause you stress or suffering?
Now the turnarounds.
"I am not right" or "You are right." Can you come up with one example of where these are true?
Well, the other person has just as much right to believe their story as you have to believe yours. And, has there ever been a time in your life when you were wrong? Ever? Maybe this is one of those times.
As far as I'm concerned, there's no good reason to keep the story that I am right. In fact, there is NEVER a good reason to keep that story, in any situation.
But wait, you say. "Didn't you say no one is ever wrong? If I'm not right, then I must be wrong."
Can't you see how right and wrong are archaic concepts? If you believe your thoughts, then you are never wrong. If you don't believe them, then it doesn't matter who's right and wrong. Either way, you're not wrong.
The bottom line is, you'll be less stressed if you choose to be okay with whatever is happening in this moment, and not live in the past or future. Expecting someone to bring wine to dinner is living in both. Your past memories of what dinner should be like, and your future expectations of what they should be like. But right now in this moment, neither the past nor future exists. So you alleviate this problem by just paying attention to NOW.
NOW I'm enjoying dinner with my friends.
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Copyright Judie C. McMath and The Center for Unhindered Living
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